clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
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