I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
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In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
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I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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