6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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