first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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