seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
