i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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