That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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