i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
