I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
