I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
nutella sex= disaster
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
