I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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