covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
