god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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