The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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