Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize