Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
you inspire me to be a worse person
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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