she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
