I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
