i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
