Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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