so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
im holly from the hills drunk
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
