dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
