Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
