Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
