yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
my shit smells like andre
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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