I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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