i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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