I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
