Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
