I think I won the penis lottery.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
