it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
