I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
