I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
