I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
