Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
