remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
