Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
