I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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