M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
