omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
