you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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