I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
