Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
