Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
