Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
