These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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