i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
