I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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