hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
