She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
