Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
