I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
