I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
