If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
