I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
