like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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