it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
