By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
