Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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