Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
